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Archive for the ‘Growth’ Category

What to do when overwhelmed

Posted by Ram Raghavan on 22 July 2009

There are times when all we see is failure, when we feel like a failure. When nothing we do seems to work, when we are unable to do the things that would work. When it seems like the world is closing in on us, when all hope is lost. When it feels like we can’t think any more, for there is too much to think through. When it feels like just giving up, and resigning ourselves to the vagaries of fate. A sense of being helpless, of being overwhelmed. And much like everyone else in the world, I too have had such occasions, especially of late. From each of these experiences I have learnt to better cope the next time around: and yet there’s always something that I hadn’t anticipated, something new for me learn. Here I list a few of these learnings in the hope that you may find them useful. Of course, this list is not definitive: feel free to fill in any voids I may have missed.

Focus your thoughts
The most clear symptom of being overwhelmed is a complete lack of focus. Your thoughts keep flitting from one task to another continuously, your mind keeps wandering all over the place, thereby getting nothing done. The first step to take when overwhelmed is to focus your thoughts. Focusing your thoughts helps turn the negative energy of being overwhelmed into a positive energy of concentration on the task at hand. Instead of a feeling of helplessness, it gives you a sense of purpose. See here for a few simple tips to help you focus. Focusing your thoughts makes you address the problem instead of simply feeling suffocated by it. Focusing also helps you increase your mental productivity by concentrating exclusively on the consequential concerns and pushing the trivial out of your mind, thereby giving you a sense of space and relief.

Evaluate consequence
Sometimes even the most trivial of matters seem like monumental issues. Your colleague gossips about you at work. You come to learn of this and feel overwhelmed with emotion and indignation. It envelopes your mind, chokes your thoughts. It seems like the reputation you painstakingly built has now vanished in an instant, that this one incident is the undoing of all your efforts. But does it really matter? Is it not likely that it will eventually be found that the gossip about is just that: gossip. And more importantly, that people’s perception of you will be shaped by your personal interactions with them and not by something someone says. The consequence of this incident, then, is negligible, isn’t it? Once you realize this, the feeling of being overwhelmed automatically disappears. Evaluating the consequence of an issue shows whether it is something truly monumental, something that you need to worry about, or simply something that is trivial, something you need not unnecessarily fret about. This immediately addresses most of the causes of being overwhelmed, for the simple enough reason that there is no point in being overwhelmed when there is no need to. On the flip side, when the consequence of a concern is far-reaching, your mind automatically attains a sense of purpose, which makes it find the resources and the vigour to address that concern satisfactorily.

Think linearly
When we are overwhelmed, our mind gets bombarded with a multiplicity of competing thoughts. These competing thoughts compete for our mental energies so that no one thought gets the attention it requires in order to follow it to conclusion. The end result: a state of paramount confusion. In order to reclaim our normal thought process we need to somehow step out of this state of confusion. To do this we need to separate these competing thoughts by thinking linearly. Thinking linearly involves sorting our concerns in order of decreasing priority and following up on them in a linear, one-after-another manner. For instance, it’s easy to get overwhelmed before a job interview. You need to do answer the interview questions satisfactorily, need to catch the train to get there on time, need to negotiate terms, need to present and explain your resume convincingly, need to iron your clothes etc. It’s like there’s so much to do, so many aspects to address. The most important thing here is to think linearly, or on a first-things-first basis: iron your clothes, then make sure you get there on time, then present yourself, then answer questions, and finally if everything else works out fine, negotiate terms. Thinking linearly prevents you from getting overwhelmed because it puts only one thought in your head at a given instant of time, allowing you to concentrate on that one thought before moving on to the next. It unclogs your mind and gives you a sense of clarity, which is absolutely essential when you need to perfrom under stress.

Think beyond yourself
The sense of being overwhelmed derives from our perception that somehow life has conspired to work against us. That the things in life which should normally for us are suddenly working against us. This leads to a sense of isolation, of despair. An important aspect of breaking away from this state is to realize our part in the wider scheme of things, basically to think beyond ourselves and into our environment. By comparing your circumstances to that of others, it helps you gain a sense of relative comfort. Thinking beyond ourselves helps us understand that our thoughts and actions have consequence not only to our lives but also to that of those we love. Making a good presentation to your Chairman may determine your prospects for promotion, thus it is important not only to you, but also to your family. Understanding this can give you a sense of purpose, and help you approach the most difficult of tasks. Thinking beyond ourselves also helps us remember that we not isolated, that there is a family and wider society for us to bank upon. This gives a sense of security, and reduces our stress levels.

Take a break
Every situation requires a specific mindset, and every mindset is best suited to a specific situation: being overwhelmed is a clear sign that your present mindset is not best suited to the task at hand. Instead of breaking your head on a task that seems unsolvable, divert your attention to something that’s more attainable. If this is not the best time for you to address this situation, take a break and come back to it later. This will give your mind something new to work on, refresh it and help it regenerate ideas for the earlier task. And when you do come back to it later, rested and refreshed, you may even realize that there was a simple solution staring at you in the face all along.

Relax, sleep on it
Your brain is a battery: it powers your body and life. And yet its reserves are not infinite: it needs to be recharged every so often, or else it will die out. When a battery is at full charge, it would probably make short task of running a camera, and yet when it is empty, it probably couldn’t power your watch. It would get overwhelmed. When your mind is overwhelmed, the normal pathways of thought in your brain become clogged. The thoughts, ideas and inspirations that occurred to you on a daily basis suddenly evaporate. As a result, the easiest tasks and the simplest decisions become insurmountable obstacles. Just like the battery, your mind needs to recharge, to relax. Sleep is an extension of conventional relaxation routines: it’s like getting a full recharge instead of a partial one. There’s something about waking up to the early morning Sun that makes you realize that you have just begun a brand new day and that you get to start from scratch. This feeling of freshness injects your mind with ideas that instinctively show you the simplest solutions to the most intractable issues..

Underwhelm yourself, do nothing
This is the one rule which I swear by the most: “When it is not clear what it is that you are supposed to do, it is best to do nothing”. When you are feeling completely overwhelmed, your mind loses the ability to think clearly. It tends to do things on an impulsive and irrational basis. And worse, it tends to make progressively worse choices leading to a cumulative catastrophe. It’s like this: untieing your shoe lace is a rather straightforward task. However, trying to do this when your fingers are frozen and numb becomes quite a challenge. And, the harder you try, the more entangled you actually end up making it. The best thing to do in these situations is to do nothing. This would probably not address the problem, but at least it won’t make it any worse. Being overwhelmed is bad enough, there’s certainly no point in aggravating the situation even more by befuddling it. After all, when you are so overwhelmed that you are unable to do anything, the only thing to do is nothing. Remember, no matter what happens, life must automatically return to its steady state sooner or later. Time heals. More often than not, you will realize that with time the problem has somehow found a way to solve itself. And this is itself not surprising for nature has its own way of dealing with itself.

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How to develop critical thinking

Posted by Ram Raghavan on 7 July 2009

This post is part three of a three-part series dealing with the concept of critical thinking.

Part 1: Overview: About critical thinking
Part 2: Self-test: Are you a critical thinker
Part 3: Self-help: How to develop critical thinking (this post)

Please see the previous two posts in the series for an overview of this topic and for a self-test to get an estimate of how your thought process is structured presently. This post provides a few tips to develop the tendency to think critically. Hopefully you would find these tips useful in everyday life.

 1. Think independently
Independent thinking is the first and most important step towards critical thinking. Thinking independently essentially means thinking by yourself (which is not the same as thinking for yourself). Independent thinking involves looking at an argument from your perspective, interpreting it based on your understanding of it, and forming an opinion based on how applicable or appropriate you find it. Independent thinking means that instead of simply accepting what you are told, you take the effort to analyse the argument and draw your own conclusions. It means that you gather as much information as possible about a particular topic, and form your own independent opinions in an unbiased and unprejudiced manner.

In the instance cited in the questionnaire, the fact that everyone around you has a Camry does not necessarily mean that that would be the car best suited for you too. Certainly there would be a reason why everyone chose a Camry, but it is important to understand what that reason is and how applicable it is to your life and your preferences. Fuel efficiency, reliability and resale value may all have been reasons they chose a Camry, but how important are these factors to you? Do you want to get a car that has popular appeal or would you rather drive a car that has personal appeal – to you?

Thinking independently does not mean you need to disregard other people’s opinions – it just means that those opinions must be evaluated for their merits, and not simply be taken as ordained commandments.

2. Question assumptions
Almost every argument depends on assumptions. Even if the argument is fundamentally based on well-established fact, its effect on the listener is likely to depend on assumptions. For instance, the argument “Today is Friday, we can relax the next two days”, assumes that there will be no requirement to work over the weekend. To evaluate an argument critically, the assumptions underlying it need to be evaluated for their merit. We need to check how valid the assumptions are, how applicable they are to the particular argument and how likely they are to be correct.

Assumptions can be of two types: explicit or implicit. Consider this statement: carry an umbrella today because it may rain. This statement makes two assumptions: (i) that it would rain today, and (ii) that having an umbrella would prevent you from getting wet. The first assumption is an explicit assumption because the original statement refers to it without ambiguity. On the other hand, the second assumption is an implicit assumption because the original statement does not refer to it expressly. Explicit assumptions are easy to identify and deal with whereas implicit assumptions are a bit tricky to identify.

The argument about America makes a few important assumptions, both explicit and implicit. Explicit assumptions here include the assumptions that increased defense spending directly relates to increased military ability and that advanced weapon systems directly affect the result in battle. However, the implicit assumption here is more important to consider: that increased military might on paper can actually be translated into victory in the battlefield. Indeed, just evaluating this one assumption could completely change our stance on the argument, especially given the fact that this assumption has been proven to be false repeatedly through human history.

3. Seek alternative explanations
Do not judge a book by the cover. This maxim may sound cliche but it is highly relevant to everyday life. Surely, it is easy to draw judgements from what is superficial and apparent, but these judgements do not always reflect the reality that lie underneath. In other words, it is easy to jump to conclusions, but those conclusions are not always the correct ones.

Getting struck by a block concrete on the street may be a rare and serious occurrence. It does not happen to everyone. Given its serious consequences and its rarity, it would be tempting to label this as a twist of fate. The only explanation is that fate had it in for you that day, there is no other explanation to it. Or is there? Perhaps there is indeed an alternative explanation: maybe you inadvertently strayed into a construction zone, maybe the construction worker made a genuine mistake. In this case, seeking an alternate explanation has changed the very nature of a phenomenon from destiny to coincidence.

To not draw the wrong conclusions from an argument, it is essential to evaluate the argument from multiple perspectives in order to understand it more thoroughly. To think critically, we need to seek explanations other than the apparent, explanations that may not be obvious but that are more plausible and more reasonable.

4. Evaluate reasonableness
Your employer employs you for a specific purpose: to contribute to the process of building the business. He did not ask you to leave the country, and he certainly did not cause the immigration issues that prevented you from returning to the country. Given that he has a business to run, and that your absence means you are unable to contribute your part to the business, does it make business sense for him to keep you on the payrolls? Is he really discriminating against you for not being an active contributor to the enterprise? Is this reasoning reasonable?

An argument is essentially the product of the thought process of an individual. It depends on the perspectives of that individual, and the opinions that those perspectives lead to. Arguments can seldom be classified as correct or wrong – they are simply not absolutes. However, arguments can, and should be, judged on a certain other criterion – their reasonableness. Anybody can propound any argument they take a fancy to: I can claim that Sun rises in the West, and you can claim that we grow younger every day. If each argument is to be taken at face value, how then can we evaluate its validity? They key to evaluating the validity of an argument, then, is its inherent reasonableness – how appropriate and how applicable it is to the question at hand.

5. Be willing to learn
Life is a process of learning. We learn to walk, to talk, to eat, to live. No one is born wise. The wise become wise only when they learn. There is no one who knows all, consequently there is no one who has nothing to learn. Each of us has much to learn. About the world, about our friends, about ourselves. Every event, every circumstance, every entity can be a source of learning. We do not need special classrooms or workshops to learn the most important things in life: all we need to do is to live, and keep our minds open. There is no limit to knowledge, just as there is no wasted knowledge. Every single thing we learn has some utility, and yet there is much more of utility that we haven’t yet learnt.

To think critically involves evaluating an argument on its merits. And merits can only be determined based on knowledge: what we know to be correct and incorrect. And knowledge is ever-expanding and ever-evolving: what is unknown today may be known tomorrow, what is correct today may be incorrect tomorrow. Thus, to think critically, we need to keep pace with knowledge. In essence, we need to keep learning. Pluto may have been classified a planet until yesterday, because that is what the then current knowledge dictated. But today’s learnings have changed that position, consequently so must our understanding. To not learn is to deny knowledge, and to deny knowledge is dogma.

6. Think beyond social norms
Holding hands in public was frowned upon in the 1850’s. Kissing in public was scandalous in the 1950’s. Any guesses where we are going to be in the 2050’s?

Social norms are local and transient in nature. What is acceptable to some may be unacceptable to some others, and what is appropriate today may be inappropriate tomorrow. Just because a concept seems inappropriate to you under current circumstances, it does not mean that that concept will be viewed the same way by different people under different circumstances. Marriage within family members may be frowned upon today, but the fact remains that this was the accepted norm in ancient Roman society. Does this necessarily make you right or them wrong?

Society, by definition of being the collective conscience of a people, is a reflection of the thought processes of that people. Society does not exist by itself – it only exists at the convenience of its people. As such, society is a tool that is shaped by and  serves the interests of the people. It is the people that decide what is appropriate and inappropriate for the society. The limits of society are not absolute, they are only what they are held to be. And since you are part of society, you too contribute to determining where these limits fall. And this determination must be made not on the basis of norms, which are relative, but on the basis of principles, which are absolute.

7. Follow fact not opinion
Perhaps the trickiest aspect of critical thinking is the separation of fact from opinion. Consider this: “The sky is blue. Blue is the most pleasant colour”. Of these, the first statement is fact, while the second is opinion. Facts are universally applicable: what is true for you is just as true for me, whereas opinions are not. To say “lemon is bitter” may sound like a fact, but is it really? Although most people may think of lemon as bitter, there may still be a few who think otherwise. Taste is a personal perception, what you may perceive as bitter may be perceived as sweet by me.

Critical thinking requires developing a thought process that is based on evaluating an argument on its inherent merit not on personal prejudice. Opinions, being personal perceptions, can not aid critical thinking – you need to delve deeper into the underlying fact. The recession has been here for a while. This is fact. It probably has hit rock-bottom. But this is mere opinion. Facts are absolute, opinions are not. Facts are proven, they can not be wrong. Opinions are perceptions, they can be right or wrong. If you invest now on the basis of opinion, and the opinion turns out to be incorrect, whom would you have to blame but yourself? Opinions need not be discarded, they can certainly be considered for the merit they hold. However, they must not be simply subscribed to without evaluation. To do so would be antithetic to the first step toward critical thinking – that of thinking independently. For, to do so would mean that your position on an argument, your opinion, is based on the opinion of someone else. For, this would mean that you have shaped your thought process to conform to someone else’s parameters.

8. Base your opinions on reason not emotion
Granted, you may be being subject to increased security measures at the airport due to your identity. But does this automatically mean that you are being persecuted? Could it be that you belong to a community that has a track record of anti-social activity? If so, would it be wise to disregard this fact and treat you to the same measures as all other travellers? Given the fact that many troublemakers belong to a particular community, would it not be prudent to subject members of that community to extra measures as a safety precaution? True, this may be inconvenient and embarrassing to those members of the community that are clean, like you, but does this not serve the greater interests of society?

Emotion clouds judgement. When you feel strongly about something, from the heart, it is likely that your mind will be biased by that feeling. “My country is best”, is a feeling experienced by many people. Such a feeling can bias opinions about one’s country: we could tend to overlook its economic situation, its cultural emptiness and its military history. Emotion is a not a sound basis for evaluating an argument. Since emotion arises from the thought process of an individual, it is likely to different from individual to individual. As a result, what is sensible to you from your emotional standpoint could be completely insensible to someone else from his emotional standpoint. Indeed, just as you think of your country as being best, there may be millions others who their of their respective countries in the same vein.

On the other hand, reason is a logic that is based on knowledge and fact. It is universal and can not be denied or deemed inapplicable or inappropriate. Reason allows you to view an argument away from emotion, from a detached and unbiased perspective. Without the baggage of emotion, it allows you to think freely, clearly and logically. Reason gives you a sense of moderation and prevents you from backing yourself into extremities. It allows you to form opinions based not on relative measures, such as morals, but on absolute measures, such as principles. An opinion based on reason will always be sensible, defensible, and most importantly, reasonable.

9. Have the courage of conviction
Every individual thought process is different, which means that each of us likely to have differing thoughts, perceptions and opinions. As such, it is very likely that each of us would run into situations where our opinions are contrastingly different from that of those around us. In these situations, it would be very easy to dissolve our opinions and simply adapt to the common position. This would, however, be tantamount to a dissolution of your individualism. This would amount to forfeiting all the effort invested in developing your own critical thought process. An essential ingredient of critical thinking, then, is the ability to have the courage of conviction: the courage to believe that your opinions, even if different from everyone else’s, are well-founded, justified and reasonable.

This does not mean that you should close your mind to contradictory opinions and facts – that would be dogma. All it means is that if you have reason to believe your opinions are reasonable, you should develop the conviction to defend those opinions until you are presented with opinions or facts that influence you to change them. It means evaluating the merits of contrasting opinions, but not getting cowed down by them.

It is not difficult to find people that have a particular opinion in private but completely change it in a group setting – in order to conform with the views of others. This lack of conviction in opinions arises from a lack of belief in the reasoning behind that opinion, a feeling that they may be ridiculed in a public setting. The courage of conviction can not developed artificially: it arises naturally from knowing that your opinions are based on reason, facts and principles, on measures that are in-transient, universally applicable and absolute. For these reasons, the courage of conviction is a direct consequence of the process of critical thinking. When you develop an opinion after thinking about it in a critical fashion, you get the courage to believe that that opinion is sensible and defensible. For instance, it is my opinion that no multi-ethnic society can survive as a nation-state for long. I believe this opinion of mine is well-founded, justifiable and reasonable, and as such I have the conviction to defend this opinion in a discussion. However, I am always open to hearing arguments to the contrary and to change my opinions if the counter-arguments are convincing.

10. Accept the consequences
The ideal world is guided by reason and principles. But this is not an ideal world – it is often guided by emotion and conveniences. Given this, a person who has developed the habit of thinking critically, a habit of basing his thought process on absolute measures, may find himself in socially uncomfortable positions. The easy solution here would be to conform to social standards, but is this the correct thing to do? Bending over today for reasons of convenience would set a precedent: what happens the next time a similar situation comes up? When does the cycle of buckling to pressure, when you know it is not right, end? Obviously, the correct thing to do in these situations is to stand your ground and accept the consequences.

Accepting the consequences means standing up for what you believe in, for acting on your convictions without fearing the consequences of doing so. If Anne Frank had feared the consequences of standing up to the system, the world would have been much diminished today. If standing up for principles at the workplace means your getting fired, perhaps it would best to get fired. Perhaps it would be best to unshackle yourself from an environment that does not value the principles that you do. For, to remain compliant under such an environment would mean mortgaging your individuality to an objective that you do not agree with. Such compliance can only lead to an attrition of your critical thought process. Sure the consequences of standing your ground may be costly in terms of the conveniences you have come to take for granted, but it would still give you a sense of contentment, of satisfaction of having defended your convictions.

Many people prefer to conform and comply for one simple reason: fear of consequence. Regardless of their personal opinions, many prefer to accept thoughts that are socially current simply because they do not want to inconvenience themselves with the consequences of challenging common practice. They fear ridicule, they fear ostracism, they fear non-conformity, they fear differentiation. They fear fear itself. How, then, is one to express individuality? How, then, is one to enrich society? How, then, is society to evolve? The fear of consequence is extremely debilitating because it completely annuls the process of critical thought: all the carefully reasoned opinions you have held come to naught. We are then back to square one.

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Are you a critical thinker?

Posted by Ram Raghavan on 7 July 2009

This post is part two of a three-part series dealing with the concept of critical thinking.

Part 1: Overview: About critical thinking
Part 2: Self-test: Are you a critical thinker (this post)
Part 3: Self-help: How to develop critical thinking

Take this self-quiz to determine how much of a critical thinker you are presently. There are no tricks or special talents involved here: only your own honesty in answering the questions. At the end of the test, check your score against the reference chart provided. Feel free to answer the poll below.

Each question below is in the form of a statement. After reading each statement, answer this common question: do you agree with the statement or not (yes or no). Keep a track of how many times you answer ‘Yes’.

  1. You are looking to buy a car. Everyone in your circle of friends and family drives a Toyota Camry, so it is best for you to buy one too.
  2. The United States reigns unchallenged in the world. Its spending on defense is larger than any other nation ever. Its military possesses the most advanced and sophisticated weapon systems ever developed by mankind. Thus, the United States is the most powerful nation ever in history.
  3. You are walking on the street when a block of concrete falls on you. This must be ordained by fate.
  4. You are a foreign national working here for long. Suddenly, you are unable to report to work due to immigration issues, and your company fires you. Surely, your employer has discriminated against you due to your status.
  5. You have lived all these years thinking Pluto was a planet. Now it is not possible to think of Pluto as anything but.
  6. Marriage with close family members is wrong. It doesn’t matter who does it or for what reason, it is simply wrong.
  7. The economy has been in recession for a while now. This is the best time to invest in stocks because everyone feels the economy has bottomed out.
  8. You belong to a numerical minority community. Every time you go to the airport, you are singled out for a special search. Surely, you are being persecuted due to your race or ethnicity.
  9. Your political views greatly contrast that of your friends. The next time a discussion comes up you would rather stay silent than being completely ridiculed.
  10. You are uncomfortable about helping your company subvert a rival product. Surely, it is best to play your part in the process rather than risk losing your job.

No. of ‘yes’ answers | Are you a critical thinker?
 0-3                         |               Largely so
4-7                         |          Moderately so
8-10                       |               Hardly so

This questionnaire is not meant to be a comprehensive test of any sort – it is only meant to give an indication of how your thought process is structured presently. Indeed, if you do think critically enough, perhaps the first thing you would try to evaluate is the very validity of this article. And in that case, I would feel happy to simply have written something that incites your critical thought :)

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About critical thinking

Posted by Ram Raghavan on 7 July 2009

This blog is about critical thinking. Except, as I suddenly realized, I haven’t made any effort to clarify what exactly critical thinking is. Critical Thinking, as defined by the Wikipedia, is purposeful and reflective judgement about what to believe or what to do in response to observations, experiences or arguments. In essence, critical thinking is a concept that ascertains whether your opinions are the result of your own reason-based thinking or otherwise.

Critical thinking is essential for human evolution. It nurtures the concepts of freedom and liberty by allowing each person to develop and hold his own opinion based on his perception of circumstances and surroundings. It prevents social norms from being frozen in time by encouraging every generation of people to reconsider and re-evaluate social practices for their propriety and applicability at that point of time. For instance, most debates over the Constitution would disappear if everyone were to realize that that document was meant to be applicable at the time it was written, not centuries later. Critical thinking prevents the crystallization of one person’s thought into a system that governs the whole society: from opinion to pronouncement to convention to custom to rule to law (think of communism). It ensures that the system works not just in the interests of one person but in the interests of society as a whole (dictatorships).

Given the importance of critical thinking, it is obvious that each of us should ideally inculcate this habit. Instead of simply accepting what we are told, we need to develop the tendency to question, investigate and judge on our own. But how exactly can we develop a habit of critical thinking? This, as with much else in life, is a matter of perception. Different people use different approaches to develop this habit. But before we attempt to address an issue, we first need to acknowledge its existence i.e before we go about trying to develop the habit of critical thinking, we need to evaluate where we stand presently. A self-evaluation is the best way to do this. Thus, this piece about nurturing critical thinking is broken into three separate posts:

Part 1: Overview: About critical thinking (this post)
Part 2: Self-test: Are you a critical thinker
Part 3: Self-help: How to develop critical thinking

Hopefully, by the end of this exercise you would have learnt something about yourself, and perhaps also a few methods to nurture your process of critical thought.

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How to focus your thoughts

Posted by Ram Raghavan on 2 July 2009

We all have our bad days. Days when we can’t seem to get anything done, days when we can’t think clearly, days when we just can’t focus our thoughts. The cause could be anything – from strains in relationships to worries about the economy to frustrations about the workplace, but the consequence is almost always the same – significant loss of productivity, be it in personal life or professional. I’ve had my fair share of such days. However, I’ve learnt that the issues of the mind can usually be solved by procedures of the mind. I’ve learnt that there are simple approaches that can help us focus even in the midst of everyday madness. Please see the list below for my observations, and feel free to add your own in the comments section.

Focus on the distraction
When you lose focus your thoughts seem to wander, drift all by themselves. Often times this is not an aimless, direction-less drift. It is a drift in a particular direction that you did not consciously wish to take, probably since you had wanted to focus your thoughts on something else. However, since your subconscious mind seems so distracted and does not let you focus on the task at hand, perhaps you should consider focusing on the distraction instead. Every task requires a particular mindset. Every mindset is best suited to a particular task. Perhaps your present mindset is not best suited to the task you are trying to focus on, perhaps it would be best suited to the distraction that keeps cropping up involuntarily. Focusing on the distraction allows you to perform productively at something you were going to have to do anyway, and re-energizes your mind to focus on the primary task later. Indeed, you might even realize that the distraction was actually linked to the primary task, even if only in a peripheral manner.

Approach from the periphery
Charging into battle straight at the formation of enemy tanks is a valiant thing to do, but not always the intelligent thing to do. Sometimes you require tact and subtlety. Sometimes it is prudent to approach the enemy from his periphery. When I find myself unable to focus on a particular task, I try to focus instead on something indirectly related to it. If I am stuck in the programming of a mathematical formulation, I switch to writing out its fundamental theoretical derivations. When I’m done with the derivations, not only have I regained the zest to program the formulation into code, but I have also learnt something valuable regarding the mathematics lying behind it. Focusing your thoughts on a peripheral task gives your mind the freedom to drift and thus re-energize, and yet keeps it in the space where it can be productive to the primary task itself.

Isolate your focus
When you find yourself unable to focus on one particular thought, it is probably because there are too many thoughts running around in your head. This multiplicity of thoughts dissipates mental energy and thus dissipates your focus. The obvious remedy here is to pick one particular thought – depending on your priorities – and follow it exclusively, in a step by step fashion. Picking one particular topic allows your mind to develop and follow a train of thought dedicated to it in an organized manner. Think of your mind as a bowl of noodle soup, each noodle representing one particular thought. Looking at this bowl, it is difficult to identify one particular strand of noodle and follow it through its length. You need to separate that strand from the rest of the soup, and hold it in isolation to identify it properly. Before I sat down to write this piece, there were competing thoughts in my head regarding arguments on this topic and arguments on a different topic. My mind was constantly switching from this-article-mode to that-article-mode, which was not helping my productivity. Separating these thoughts helped me follow one to conclusion (this article) while storing the other away for later use.

Shuffle things up
The human mind dislikes routine. Routine prevents the mind from acquiring new experiences and limits its exposure, thereby dumbing down its creativity and causing it to lose sharpness. Thought by definition is an energy that originates in your mind at one particular instant of time, something that is original and instantaneous. Routine does not require thought simply because it does not require originality. In fact routine is antithetic to originality and thus to thought itself. For these reasons, losing focus when working on routine tasks is not surprising. Given that routine tasks still need to get done, the easiest workaround is to shuffle your task-list. Simply re-prioritize and re-allocate time slots for each task. This achieves two objectives: it presents your mind something different to work on thus triggering its focus, and it also keeps you fresh and interested by killing boredom.

Focus on your inner voice
Is there a voice at the back of your mind that keeps bothering you every time you try to focus? A voice that you try to suppress but manages to resurface nevertheless? In that case, perhaps you should listen to what it is saying. Perhaps there is something you are missing in your current thought process. Perhaps there is a better way to accomplish the task at hand. While writing this article I was repeatedly bothered by something at the back of my head, something I couldn’t exactly place because I was trying to focus on writing this. And yet that voice in my head kept distracting me every now and then. And then I realized what it was – I had left some eggs to boil on the stove and completely forgot! After attending to that concern, I was back at the computer and typing away happily – no more distractions to bother.

Relax, defocus
The simple complications of everyday life can build a lot of stress on your body as well as your mind. When the mind is under stress, it loses its ability to think clearly due to competing and conflicting thoughts. Chaos and confusion cause your mind to lose focus by dissipating its energy. Your mind can best focus on something when it is relaxed. A relaxed mind is a clear mind, and a clear mind is a mind that can focus thoughts with laser-like intensity. Relaxing also makes your mind refreshed and re-energized, thus increasing creativity and productivity. Defocusing, i.e. thinking of “nothing” is a particularly powerful way to clear the mind. See here for a few simple tips to relax your mind.

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How to nurture your intuition

Posted by Ram Raghavan on 1 July 2009

I took the GMAT yesterday. I got a decent score, but less than what I had hoped for. I was disappointed, but not surprised. Disappointed because I got lower score than I’d hoped for, and yet not surprised because I “knew” this was the score I was going to get. This exact score. How did I know? Intuition. Something in my head told me this would happen, I grasped on to it, and since this wasn’t the first time I got this “inner voice” speaking, I did not ignore it. Sure enough, it turned out to be uncannily accurate, just as it almost always has been. It’s interesting isn’t it, this ability to see ahead in time?

Normal perception of the world is guided by the six senses – sight, sound, smell, taste, touch and thought. However, these senses only allow you to perceive the world in restricted three-dimensional space i.e. these senses signal to your mind those entities or phenomena that are presented to you in your physical vicinity at that particular instant of time. Intuition supersedes these senses by allowing your mind to perceive entities and phenomena that are separated from you in space as well as time. Think of it this way: when you walk down the street, you can see the vehicles on the same street but not those around the corner; on the other hand, intuition can show you vehicles that wait around the corner!

It is important to understand what intuition is and what it is not. If you’re running late and hope that your flight got delayed and it is, that is not intuition, that is coincidence. If you dream you could fly away jumping from the roof of the Empire State building, that is not intuition, that is fantasy. Intuition is an insight, a thought, that arises from your subconscious mind. This thought in the subconscious mind is based on the experiences the conscious mind has gone through and the knowledge it has gained, and so is based on only what can be explained by the conscious memory. Intuition can not be forced by the focus of the conscious memory (like hope), nor can it account for impractical or unreasonable thoughts (like fantasies).

The ability to intuit can be a very handy asset. By allowing you to look into the future, it allows you be prepared for it. Forewarned is forearmed. Intuition can not be explained by science. It is not quantifiable or tangible, it does not follow reason. Human intuition derives from the most fundamental sense of perception of any animal – instinct. For this reason, intuition is not a skill that can be acquired, instead it is a capacity that resides inherent in every human being. It only needs to be acknowledged, nurtured and utilized. Based on my experiences, here are a few tips that could help.

Look at yourself from outside
Intuition is a form of instinct, and instinct is the natural reaction of the subconscious mind to external stimuli in the environment. To tap your intuition you need to understand your environment, and your position in it i.e. you need to look at yourself from a third-person perspective. Doing so allows your mind to follow a potential chain of events and track external stimuli, and pre-emptively generates reactions to them. For instance, my intuition of the GMAT score came when I pictured my emotional state after writing the exam – this led to the realization that I would be in this particular emotional state due to making this particular score.

Keep your mind relaxed and clear
Intuition is the result of the focus of the subconscious mind on one particular chain of thought. For intuition to function optimally, the subconscious mind must function optimally. For the subconscious mind to function optimally, the conscious mind must function optimally. Chaos, confusion and lack of clarity hamper intuition by dissipating thought energy in different directions, thereby preventing its focus. Intuition best occurs when the mind is relaxed and clear.

Listen to your inner mind
All humans have the capacity for intuition, but only some manage to tap into it. This is because only some people manage to be conscious of their subconscious mind. Think of it this way: intuition is a thought process that occurs continuously in your subconscious memory. It bubbles up into your conscious memory only fleetingly, just for an instant of time. My intuition came to me in a flash, and it was gone in a flash. This flash of insight does not stay on top of your memory – you just have to catch it before it disappears.

Try this experiment: close your eyes and think of an object, any object, for 30 seconds. Allow your mind to follow any train of thought related to that object. After 30 seconds, write down every particular thought that occured during that time. Repeat the process. You will notice that with every repetition the amount of thoughts you write down increases. This is not because you are thinking more, but rather because you are grasping on to your thoughts better i.e. you are able to notice the thoughts in your subconscious memory more thoroughly. This is the list of thoughts I came up with just an instant ago when I thought of an apple:
apple, red, yellow, stem, root, tasty, seed, tree, apple tree, apple tree in my friend’s home, friend, call friend about weekend plans – flash!

Act on its advice
Having listened to your inner mind, the next obvious step is to act on it. I learnt this the hard way: sometimes when stepping out of home I would feel that I’d missed something. But I’d think that I hadn’t and so would ignore this feeling and carry on. Once well on my way outside it would hit me that I’d missed my wallet or cellphone or keys etc. Getting an insight allows you to see things you would otherwise not see, but the more important thing is to act on that insight. If intuition tells you there’s a monster lurking around the corner, what good could it possibly be if you just keep walking straight into its waiting mouth? The key to utilizing intuition is to not allow the flash of insight to fade away or be ignored. When you feel a flash of insight from within, take a moment and act on it.

Plan to your intuition, but not excessively so
So I knew I was going to make a particular score. But what good would it have been if I had not planned to it? Planning to your intuition does not mean you need to suspend your life and focus exclusively on the turn of events this has revealed. Instead, it just means that when you make plans, modify those plans to account for these insights as well. I had already made plans to apply to certain colleges before I got my flash of insight, the insight just made me change my plans so as to include colleges that would be suitable to that particular score. Also, it is essential that you plan for a backup in case your intuition fails you: this prevents you from excessively hoping for and obsessing over the insight. This is especially true when you are not fully confident of your intuitive abilities.

Do not obsess over it
It is great to have the ability to intuit – but it is important not to let this rule your life. Intuition is meant to be a thought that arises naturally from within your subconscious mind. Forcing your mind to artificially focus on a particular thought changes its very nature: it ceases to be an intuition, and instead becomes an obsession. And then, all bets are off. Intuition happens when your mind is allowed to think freely, obsessing over something restricts this freedom significantly. When a flash of insight occurs to you, do not get hooked on to it, simply grasp it and store it for later use. Be aware of it and take corrective action, but still get on with your life. Do not try to game it either – there is no particular plan of action that will give you an intuition, or give you an intuition that will be true for sure. It is just a thought that must arise naturally, and it surely will at the right circumstance.

Track its performance
Some people get an intuition every minute of the day, others’ have hardly ever experienced this phenomenon. Some people’s intuition works all the time, some others’ hardly ever. It is not surprising that there will be large variations person-to-person: after all, intuition is a capacity that resides within the mind, and every mind works differently. Just as with everything else in life, the ability to intuit can also be judged based on performance. The performance of your intuition in the past can predict its performance in the future. In other words, intuition can itself be intuited. Observe what has worked best for you: when do you get your intuitions – when sleeping or when awake, what kind of intuitions do you get – about events or entities, about yourself or about others, how accurate have your intuitions usually been, etc. Tracking the performance of your intuition also gives you the confidence to plan to it: I was earlier very skeptical of this phenomenon, but with time I repeatedly observed that these flashes of insight were almost always exactly accurate.

Follow its evolution
Intuition is a form of instinct, it is a consequence of the process of evolution. And intuition can itself evolve – into conviction. When you repeatedly get an intuition about a particular phenomenon with a large degree of success, it gives you the confidence that that phenomenon will pan out in that particular way every time in the future as well. What this means is that after a certain amount of time you wouldn’t need intuition to tell you that something in particular will happen – you will simply know it for sure.

End note: I think of intuition as both a boon and a bane. A boon because it lets you look ahead and so plan for what is in store, a bane because it frustrates you that you can not change the future even though you can look into it.

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How to relax at work

Posted by Ram Raghavan on 25 June 2009

We all know it’s a rat-race out there. Meetings, presentations, deadlines – it all gets so overwhelming. Add to this the constant one-upmanship, the condescension of “management” and an unsympathetic (at best) boss, and the office suddenly doesn’t look so picture-perfect. There’s only so much one can take. After all, we’re all getting old, aren’t we? I know I am. Because that’s the way I feel at work – like pulling out my hair one by one. But I’m not particularly interested in going bald, so I do something else. I try to calm myself, relax myself in the midst of the madness. Having been at it for a while now I’ve learnt a few tricks that work, so I thought I’d share them with you.

Drink water
Yes, it’s that simple. Drink a glass of water – preferably lightly chilled. When you are under tension, the pressuring thoughts in your head stress your muscles and generate body heat – often resulting in a headache. Water, I haver learnt, is one the quickest and easiest ways to address headaches. Water cools down your body and relaxes the muscles. Drinking water also has a positive sensory effect by sending a soothing sensation down your throat. Further, keeping yourself hydrated helps restore the pH balance in your body, greatly benefiting your general health. However, be mindful that carbonated drinks (like coke/pepsi) do not usually do the trick. I always have a bottle of water on my desk – it constantly reminds me to take a sip every now and then.

Speed meditate
The mind usually feels under stress when it is made to concentrate on one particular thought or task. Meditation helps us relax by dissipating, diffusing our thoughts in multiple directions. But I’m not asking you to roll out your yoga mat in the middle of the office. There is, I have observed, a simpler way to achieve some (but not all) of the benefits of meditation without having to allocate as much time. Try this: at your desk, simply close your eyes, take a deep breath and focus on nothing. If it is difficult to focus on “nothing” with all the commotion around you, try to focus on something distant and soothing – like the sound of the ocean or the emptiness of deep space. Even a few seconds of doing this can have a significant effect on calming down your mind.

Talk to a colleague
When you feel stressed out, reach out to colleagues you get along with and strike up a friendly conversation. Talk about something, anything. Anything that gets your mind off work. Talking removes some of the weight of your thoughts from within you, and distributes it among the people you are talking to. It makes you feel unburdened and relieved. Not only will the distraction help you de-stress, but it will also help you build stronger bonds of camaraderie and help refocus on work later. Further, since your colleagues work under the same conditions as you, they are likely to have felt the same emotions at some point in time. Talking with them could help you understand how they coped with their stress so you could try the same yourself.

Talk to a friend or family
Pick up your phone and make that call. Call that friend you’ve been meaning to connect with forever, call your spouse to check up on how (s)he’s doing, or simply call your mom who is always waiting to hear from you. Connecting with friends and family takes your mind off your professional life,  makes you feel part of the larger society, and shows you that there are people who care about you. Most importantly, talking with friends and family helps you remember exactly why and for whom you are at work in the first place. It gives you a sense of purpose and a renewed vigour to approach your work.

Share a joke
Laughter is the best medicine. The health benefits of laughing are too many to list here. It’s a tried, tested and trusted approach to relaxation. Enjoy a joke – in person, on the phone, or over email. Or simply go online and read up something that you find funny. Of course you don’t need to throw up your hands and roll around in the office, but even something that makes you smile a little is good enough. And if you find something really funny, be sure to share it with others – it might help them de-stress as well.

Shuffle your tasks
When I get frustrated working on a particular issue, when I reach the point where I feel nothing I do is working, I stop working. I then pick something completely unrelated and put my mind to that, and very often things click immediately. Different tasks require different skills, different levels of effort, and different mindsets. Perhaps the mindset you are in presently is not best suited to the task you are performing, perhaps it would be best suited to some other task. Furthermore, doing the same thing over and over can get tedious and monotonous and can kill creativity. Not to worry, you’ll always get your productivity back so you can refocus on the issue that has most frustrated you. So shuffle up your task-list and pick something you haven’t worked on for a while.

Avoid staring at the computer
Have you ever noticed how your eyes narrow and your forehead wrinkles when you look at the computer monitor? That’s the stress your muscles are under. Now imagine doing that for hours together, day after day! This stress happens because you are concentrating your energies on a small spot of the screen at any given time. Think of it this way: when you place a piece of paper under the Sun, it stays stable. However, when you introduce a magnifying glass, the paper will eventually begin to burn. The reason is that the magnifying glass concentrates the Sun’s rays into a single spot, causing an excessive accumulation of energy. Taking away the magnifying glass lets the energy dissipate. Applying this rule here, try dissipating your focus throughout the screen – basically look at the screen but do not concentrate on any one spot in particular. You’ll notice your forehead and eyes relax automatically. You can’t keep doing this all through your work day, but there can’t be any harm in trying it for a few seconds every now and then.

Wash your face
The feel of water on your skin makes the muscles under it relax. This is why you feel so relaxed after a shower or a bath. You can’t take a shower while at work, but you certainly can wash your face. Washing your face also removes the oiliness and accumulated dirt from your skin, making you feel fresh and rejuvenated. You don’t even need to wash with soap: a plain cold-water wash can do wonders. So try it, and you’ll feel the difference.

Go out for lunch
Lunch is a great time to break from the humdrum of work and once again connect with life. Having lunch at your desk or with the same people in the office can get monotonous after a while. Instead, go out and get something to eat. It’ll take your mind off work by making you do something other than your office task (like drive), making you greet someone you don’t know, and in general will make you feel part of society. If you don’t have the time to sit down and eat, a quick take-out will serve the purpose.

Get some fresh air
The recycled, artificially conditioned air inside the office can get stuffy – not in the conventional sense, but in the psychological sense. It can clog up your mind and choke your ability to think clearly. Fresh air, much like water, is a natural relaxant. It clears up your mind, makes you feel fresh and helps you refocus on your task when you get back. Further, the sunshine is good for your skin and helps your eye muscles relax as well. So roll up the curtains and open up the windows. Or better yet, step outside the air-conditioned environs of your office and see for yourself. Remember, humans are after all creatures of nature – we work best when in the midst of it.

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How to overcome writer’s block

Posted by Ram Raghavan on 23 June 2009

Here I am, afflicted with the most common disease writers of all persuasions face – the dreaded writer’s block. I’ve been staring at my computer since the morning, trying to come up with something to post on this website, except that nothing seems to occur to me today. At least, nothing that occurs to me usually. And then, like a bolt of lightning, it strikes me: that I could write a piece about writing. A piece about unblocking my writer’s block. Something that would get me out of this hole, something that could potentially help other writers get out of this hole. Great. So here I go.

Read
To able to write, you need to read. It’s one of the most fundamental principles of writing. The more you read, the more you learn – about both language and the world in general – and the better you will be able to express yourself. So when you find yourself stymied, unable to express your thoughts, the first logical step to take is to read. Read something, anything. Anything that interests you, anything that’s going on in the world at the moment. Read stuff related to your work or your passions, to what you write about or what you don’t write about. Since you’re at a momentary loss for words, reading may very well help you find those words expressed by someone else.

Take a break, do something else
You’re not getting any writing done, so you might as well use that time getting something else done. Like maybe calling the credit card company to ask about that finance charge on your last statement. Or maybe taking the dog for the walk that you’re going to have to anyway. A writer’s block is basically the state where your thoughts are, subconsciously, not directed towards your writing. Taking a break directs your thoughts elsewhere, so that when you get back to the writing board, you can refocus with greater clarity.

Clear up your mind
There is burn-out in every task. From programming to acting to writing, every task exhausts mental resources. When those resources are extinguished, you can no longer do those tasks with ease that you earlier used to do. The obvious solution here is to replenish those reserves. To do this, you essentially need to clear up your mind of all the competing thoughts that have accumulated over a period of time – thoughts that arise as part of the normal passage of daily life. Think of your mind as your study desk. When you start using it, the desk is absolutely clean. But with every passing day, the desk tends to accumulate clutter – letters, notes etc. Eventually it reaches a point where there is space for no more. The only thing to do now is to clean up the desk, to remove the clutter. Similarly, try to remove the clutter from your mind. An excellent way to do this is through meditation, but simply closing your eyes and letting your muscles relax for a few seconds can also do wonders.

Understand why you want to write
Almost everyone that writes writes because of a reason. That reason could be professional or personal, compulsion or choice. But there is always a reason. Try to understand what that reason is, analyse it. Understanding why you want to write what you want write sets you a goal to achieve, it gives you a sense of purpose. And when there is a sense a purpose, the capacity to achieve that will be discovered from within. For instance, this article came about when I started thinking why I wanted to write, why I wanted to post something today. I then realized that the reason I wanted to write was because I wanted to share my experiences and observations with others in the hope that they may find it useful and to shape a society that values righteousness and principles. And this article right here is an experience I absolutely want to share.

Write something below your potential (and you’ll improve it automatically)
You know you can do better. This is a very simple concept: the human mind knows exactly what it is and what it is not capable of. Have you ever felt you could do something and then ended up doing it, even though your friends said you possibly couldn’t? The world may say otherwise, but your inner mind knows exactly what your capabilities are. And when it is tickled, it will go about doing its thing in its own natural way. Apply the same rule here. You’re having a mental block so you can’t bring up the right words that you feel are worth your time. So instead, come up words that are not worth your time. Write something that you would never consider making public. And when the draft is finished, you’ll realize that you have subconsciously started altering, editing the document to meet your own quality standards. It’s only natural.

Write something you don’t usually write about
I’d have never thought that I’d write an article about writing. It’s simply not the thing that interests me usually. And yet I am writing this, and I am happy that I am writing this. This piece has given me something to share with the world, and has helped me come out my writer’s block. A win-win. Writing about the same stuff gets boring, even if not in the conventional sense. Your inner mind runs out of ideas, and simply refuses to replenish those reserves. So consider writing something else, something different, something new. Something whose reserves have not been tapped in the mind. If you write politics, consider writing poetry. If you write spirituality, write business for a change. You’d be surprised how good you are at writing on topics you didn’t earlier consider your strengths.

Focus
If nothing else works, simply focus. It’s just one word, but it carries a lot of meaning. Focus your thoughts on your writing. On why you are writing, what you are writing and how you are writing. Take a moment and think out your writing before putting pen to paper (or finger to keyboard these days). Close out the world around you and direct all your energies and thoughts towards this purpose, and you will realize that after an initial struggle, you will get your usual dexterity back. Your words will start flowing freely once more.

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How to be a diplomat in daily life

Posted by Ram Raghavan on 19 June 2009

Be polite; write diplomatically; even in a declaration of war one observes the rules of politeness
- Otto Von Bismarck

Among the first things we notice upon moving out of college is that, shorn of childhood buddies and lifelong friends, the world outside looks mighty unpleasant. Not just in the financial or professional sense, but also in the personal. The world seems to be filled with people who are self-centred, arrogant or downright weird. Indeed, in order to meet someone genuine, we need to sift through heaps of pretenders and offenders. Given the fact that it takes all kinds to make the world, it is to be expected that we will continuously run into people whom we don’t agree with, whose company makes us feel uncomfortable, or whom we simply find unpleasant. While it is understandable that it is difficult to keep the company of such people, how can we bring across our point without being rude? How to disassociate ourselves from someone we don’t like without hurting their feelings (and turning them into vengeance-machines)? How can we maintain our composure in this context? It is obvious that to keep ourselves social, without the attendant inconveniences, we need to be able to express our opinions in an inoffensive manner. The key to social conduct, then, is to develop a capacity for independence, personal preference and firmness without being impolite, discourteous or unpleasant – in a word, Diplomacy. But how?

Be polite, be courteous
One of the first things noticed about a person – any acquaintance – is the degree of politeness exhibited by him/her. Being polite acts as a natural antidote to the fundamental human reactions of suspicion and unease. Being polite greatly increases the likelihood of a non-confrontational conversation, thereby paving the way for the establishment of mutual comfort. Courtesy is what follows from being polite – it is more than just the holding of doors. It is basic courtesy to listen someone out attentively without interrupting (not to worry, your chance to respond will surely come afterwards), and to show deference to others’ conveniences and preferences before arriving at a decision that affects everyone. Being courteous shows that you actively care for the other person’s opinions, and that you are not rigidly close-minded or an arrogant prick.

Be firm
Showing deference to other people’s opinions does not mean that you should not express your own. If you have a strong opinion about something, by all means express it – but politely. If someone behaves in an inappropriate or discourteous manner, let them know that such behaviour will not be tolerated. Know what works for you and what doesn’t and stand firm when required. Be flexible, but know where to draw the line. Being a diplomat means being able to stand firm and to convey your opinions without causing offence to others – simply bending down to other people’s offence may earn you the tag of a push-over. Remember, any social interaction can succeed only if it is of benefit and comfort to everyone involved – including you.

Be friendly (unless you have reason not to be)
A smile and a greeting – that is all it usually takes to place yourself out of the “stranger” zone while making a new acquaintance. It is normal human reaction to feel comfortable around those that are perceived as being friendly – regardless of their opinions, position or background. Being friendly establishes a favourable social rapport immediately and hugely decreases the odds that others might find your company unpleasant. Being friendly can be as simple as being easy-going and informal – there is no need to pretend to be best buddies. Of course, if you have sufficient reason to feel offended by the other person, it is perfectly acceptable to show your displeasure (but with the requisite politeness).

Choose your words carefully
One of the most important aspects of being a diplomat, and perhaps the most tricky, is the ability to choose the correct language to express ourselves. Indeed, it is often this one trait that sets the diplomat apart from those around him. Consider the following conversation.

Amy: I can’t believe I got fired today! My boss said I’m too sloppy for his liking!!
Sam: Yeah? Good for him. You’re sloppy, stupid and unfit to work in an office.
Mike: “Sloppy” is not the word I would use, but I think even you would agree that you tend to be a bit disorganized and forgetful.

It does not require any special intelligence to guess who remains in Amy’s good books and who does not. The point I’m trying to make here is that words carry a lot more meaning than the apparent, and that is important not to say something that could be construed as being inappropriate. If you are asked for your opinion on a contentious issue, take a moment and choose your words carefully before responding – such that your response conveys your views but does not cause offence to others. When pushed against the wall in situations where there is no way to express yourself without causing offence, it is best to simply state that you don’t feel comfortable saying anything. Remember, once something is said, there’s no going back.

Control your temper
Pricks and jerks abound in the world. It is inevitable that someone, someday will rub you the wrong way. At this point, you could either choose to respond in kind, throw out a volley of abuse and watch the situation degenerate into a slugging match (or worse), or you could choose to respond in a manner that maintains your sanity and dignity. To opt for the latter, it needs to be understood that anger, as a human emotion, is an instinctive and immediate response to an external stimulus. Which means that anger makes a person say or do things that he would not have said or done under normal circumstances – things he could later regret. Even there is cause to take offence, it is best to avoid any impulsive reactions, reflect for a moment and then respond in a deliberate and calibrated manner. Since no one understands anyone else completely, a person who allows his temper to dictate impulsive actions is not likely to win too many friends in the social circle.

Set your boundaries
Even with the best of friends, there are things we would rather not discuss. Things we consider too personal, too private to be open to debate. Whatever these subjects are – anything from your sex lives to your parents’ divorce to your half-brother in prison – the important thing is to identify what these off-limit topics are, and to ensure that they remain off-limits. If there are things that make you uncomfortable, questions you find unpleasant, say so clearly, but in a friendly manner. Setting boundaries is not considered a negative trait – it shows that you respect your privacy, and hence that you can be trusted to respect the other person’s privacy as well.

Respect other people’s boundaries
The world works on the principle of mutual reciprocity. What applies to you applies to others as well. Just as your privacy is to be respected by others, it is important that you respect their privacy also. Prying, private questions often cause discomfort for the recipient – not something you want to be associated with.

Accept divergence of opinion
Different people think and act in different ways. Any social conversation is bound to lead to situations where there is significant divergence of opinion between you and others. Every opinion has a background, and every person – in his own view – has a well justified reason for holding that opinion. Respect it, just as you would expect the other person to respect yours. Do not try to force your opinion on others, simply state your argument and let others evaluate its merits for themselves. And in turn, listen to the arguments of the other person, and evaluate it in an unbiased manner. Remember, it is these interactions, these varied perspectives, that enrich our lives the most.

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